Who has it better, stay at home moms or working moms?

It’s a Monday and I’m in the middle of a “mom” day. What does that mean? I’m frantically packing lunches and answering an endless stream of kid questions while ensuring that my blouse stays clean enough till I make it to the office. A  few years ago it was me getting ready to take my toddler to the park, while microwaving my coffee for the third time.  People, usually other moms, often ask me which type of mom-day is easier, or better. As much as I hate to say this - it depends.

Before I start, I should tell you that when my son was a year old I made the seemingly surprising decision to take a break from work and stay home full time for a few years. I then re-entered the workforce after being out for a nice chunk of years and am back now in the midst of an active career! Why was this surprising? One, because this is not something common in my social and professional circles: I was the only one who did this! And two, because the perception is that parents pick one option and stay there the rest of their lives. 

There is an unfair divide between working moms and stay-at-home moms. Though both sets are doing what's best for their children and themselves, society often pits one group against the other. Which leaves new parents wondering: Do I love my kids less if I delegate their care? Am I giving up on my career potential and ambitions if I decide to stay home? Are all those degrees wasted? Will my kids be severely affected, feel less loved, or feel like they’re not worthy without a parent at home solely focused on them? Don’t many parents, with more kids and higher pressure jobs, juggle this delicate balance well?

These are the wrong questions to be asking. 

What we should be asking is: What is important to me? What do I need to do today and in the future to make that happen? For me, happiness and peace of mind for myself and for those I love the most are paramount. My family’s needs change and evolve constantly. 

When my son was little I was completely consumed with being a new parent. It’s one of the hardest things that I’ve ever done. Becoming a parent changed my family’s priorities. We had this precious little infant in our hands. We were dealing with new responsibilities, sleeplessness, and had no time for self care. My brain was either working in overdrive or operating in total mush! Thus, focusing on parenting full time seemed like the right decision. It gave me a break from the chaos and a chance to be really present. 

Then, as my son grew, I had more time on my hands. He didn’t need me as much to flourish. Parenting seemed less daunting and more do-able! My brain was freed up to explore work opportunities. I looked up my old contacts and dusted off my LinkedIn account. When an ex-colleague asked if I wanted to collaborate on building the Android version of a very popular iOS app, I said yes. 

I've always been a planner. It is natural for me to do so at home too. While staying home, I set up a support system to help alleviate the long stream of domestic chores like cleaning and  cooking prep. I enrolled my child in play school for a few hours and got a steady daily hot yoga practice going. Same with working full time while being a parent, which is what I do now. I have found that it helps to map my weeks out and be mindful about my daily schedule. And so does asking for help from family and friends when I need to. 

We each have our own way of personal decision making. For some, it’s a pro-con list or an affirmation that they can go back to. For me, it’s identifying a “bonus” benefit that only that specific choice gives me. For the years I decided to stay home, it was the freedom to take time to travel. When I switched back to full time work, it was to get my hands on creating and publishing my first mobile app. And grandparents summer camp - my kid loves that the most !

I now optimize for doing what makes me happy. I make the rules based on the current stage of my journey through life. My choices evolve as my life as a parent changes. My happiness and success are firmly in my control. Though I can’t say the same about my sleep or the chances of finishing that cup of coffee!